Monday, June 8, 2009

June is wedding month...

...and here's what this year's tackiest Bridezillas will be wearing:

For the woman who acknowledges that her wedding day is her one chance to strut like a peacock. Actually, this one's kind of interesting (at least it's not blinding white and strapless like most). And there's a certain bit of irony to it: isn't it male birds that generally have the brightest plumage?

Did you know that Disney has a line of wedding apparel? Are you surprised? I certainly hope not, since--as we've been conditioned--we're all supposed to latch onto our chosen "Disney Princess" and emulate her. So, there's a line of gowns for each one of them: Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Belle, Jasmine, Ariel, and Giselle. If anyone out there knows who Giselle is, I'd appreciate knowing, since I don't recognize the name from any classic fairy tale. Is she the one from Hunchback? And if so, why not add a dowager's hump to the dress for authenticity, sort of like a misplaced bustle, or bad 80s shoulder pads?

Alas, though, the folks at Disney have played it straight. Here's what one of the 2009 Giselle gowns looks like:

Mice, rabbits, and squirrels sold separately. Disney assumes no liability for "accidents" that said creatures might have if used as attendants.

Of course, the Disney collection wouldn't be complete without a line of Cinderella gowns:

Here's my question, though: why does Cinderella look so bitchy? I mean, isn't this the moment she's been waiting for all along? Maybe that's why she's mad: she knows it's all downhill from here.

If she wanted to leave a lasting impression, she should have tried this dress:

...which undoubtedly would have permanently burned its image into her guests' retinas.

Since June is the most popular month for weddings, it's all too likely that some brides-to-be will be disappointed to find their chosen church, reception hall, or caterer unable to schedule them on their preferred date. But those brides forced to postpone their nuptials until July needn't worry; that month offers a whole new range of sartorial options.

Hence, we'll end with this grand old bride:

Dear reader, please do not ask what got me started trolling the web for these images. Let's just say that blogging provides the perfect justification for time wasted on Google, and leave it at that.


major7th said...

Giselle is the newest Disney Princess from the movie Enchanted, the one that came out two years ago. Its the one that starts out as a cartoon and then ends up live action staring Amy Adams and Patrick Dempsey. It is actually really cute, I loved it, Amy Adams is hilarious.

(this is Maria G from kid lit in case you were wondering :)

major7th said...

ps. Esmeralda is the one from Hunchback.

jane kokernak said...

What's scarier than a Disney wedding dress? A Disney wedding.

Did you know you could have a storybook wedding there? You know, to get your storybook marriage started right. ;-) My friend Marcia went to one there (and Marcia has a good head on her shoulders) and found it distressing in both its perfection and the bride's happiness with the setting.

Check it out:

Pam said...

I have to say I laughed out loud when I saw the one with lights. I'm assuming it is battery operated cause that extension cord could be a real safety hazard when dancing at the reception. On a more serious note, I read an article on the commercial free childhood website at work last week about the mental health issues that could occur with girls who get too into the Disney princess thing. I'll have to find it for you and send you a link to it.

yarmando said...

major7th beat me to the answer. BTW, when I did the Facebook "Which Disney Princess Are You?" quiz, I was Esmeralda. I was hoping to be Meg, the suicidal one from "Hercules."

Pam said...

Here is the link to the article I mentioned on the Campaign for a Commercial free Childhood site.

Rosemary said...

Thanks for the clarification about Giselle's identity, major7th. I did see that movie, so you'd think I'd remember.

Alas, yarmando, no gowns for either Esmeralda or Meg, so whenever you and Mr. Itchie tie the knot, you'll have to go with some alternative Disney Princess. Hmmm..."alternative Disney Princess"...I'm imagining the possibilities!

Thanks for the link, Pam--on my way over to check that out.

And Jane, now I'm going to have nightmares about that. I can only hope the recession is curbing the "it's my day, and I can blow $30,000 on tit if I want to!" trend.

pilypas said...

Since this is the 40th reunion of my class at Bexley I've been indulging in memories of 4th of July parades past when I sat at the curb and watched those impossibly old people go by on the reunion float. I'm trying to adjust to the fact that it is now my time to be one of the impossibly old ones while Daniel sits on the curb. To help this unpleasant truth go down I've indulged in fantasies about ways to participate and still expand the range of the experience. I was thinking of wearing a prom dress but that American Flag gown has now stimulated a deep yearning. Lucky for everyone I don't have the means to obtain it.